How loving myself helped me to lose 125LBS

So how'd I go from the person on the left to the person on the right? Well, I can tell you it wasnt no damn diet, no magic weight loss pills or silly cleansing system. In fact, I'll tell you exactly how I did it. The good, the bad and the ugly. But first, lets start at the beginning...








I've always been a big girl. I remember when I was a kid (before department stores had plus size departments) I had to shop in the adult section. My mother was always worried that I was too big for my age, even though I was happy and very active.

So, that's how I grew up. I knew I wasn't skinny, but I really didnt care. It seemed like other people cared more than I did, especially family. I cannot even tell you how many times I've heard, "But you have such a pretty face!!" I know that's not meant as an insult, but really, that's exactly what it is. I went from a confidant and active kid, to this shell of a person that felt like they were never good enough for anyone. See, that's the thing. You hear things enough, you start to believe them....

 Fast forward to my late teens....

Guess what? I was still overweight.... Who'd seen that one coming? All of the diets that my mother had put me on, or I had put myself on, didn't work. I even had a doctor prescribe pills to lose weight and they worked! Until I stopped taking them of course.

I became frustrated and stopped caring about what I ate. Why did it matter anyways? I couldn't stick to diets and they never really helped me anyways. Anything I lost initially, I'd gain right back. And besides, I fucking love cookies!

  I was afraid that someone might call me a name or make fun of me. I mean, so afraid that I avoided situations, like eating lunch at school or avoiding shopping because people might think that I was too fat to shop there. This thought process is something I developed when I as a kid and it just never seemed to go away. I felt ugly, inferior, somehow less worthy because I wasn't thin.

Most of my early adult years I spent hiding behind other people and never going outside of my comfort zone. I stayed like this for years, until one day I heard this phrase (I cannot tell you how or where, I heard it). "Fake it til you make it". 

Those six little words inspired me. I was anything but a confidant person. I was shy, scarred and afraid to let people get to know me.

But I could fake it.

So by my mid 20s that's exactly what I did. I put myself into situations that scared me before, like shopping and eating in public. After a while, they stopped being scary. I couldn't believe how quickly I started to feel "normal". But my weight was always in the back of my mind. 

Most of my friends will tell you that I was a confidant outgoing person, but really, I was just faking it. 

Still, forcing myself to do things that were new and made me uncomfortable led to some of the best experiences of my life. 

My first Pool team!

I'm never afraid to make an ass out of myself at Karaoke!

and I joined a Roller Derby team~

I was just having so much fun, being this super confidant crazy person that I almost fooled myself...

By the time I was 28 years old. I had gotten up to my heaviest weight at that time (245 ish) and I acted like it did not bother me. I wore sexy clothes, I didn't take shit from anyone, and I had a style all my own. Hell, I even drew attention to myself. I got attention from guys, I had great friends and I was really happy. 

But just underneath that facade, was a person spiraling out of control. 

I was eating whatever I wanted, Drinking every night in excess and smoking like a chimney. 

It wasn't until much later that I discovered that this behavior was how I dealt with that inner demon from my childhood that was still lingering around all these years later. 

My heaviest weight was April 2011 (pictured here). I cannot tell you exactly how much I weighed, as I stopped weighing myself at 300LBS. What I can tell you is that I was unhappy with my looks and how I felt. And so was my body. I was now wearing 22/24 clothing, out of breath from walking up a small flight of stairs and, well, just miserable. Did I mention that I had YEARS of untreated high blood pressure? Things were finally catching up with me. My skin looked dull, my hair was brittle and dry my nails were weak. I was tanning myself because it made me look "smaller" and my skin was becoming more and more damaged. 

Then I woke up. It was actually the morning after the photo above was taken. I'm not sure if i was drugged that night, or just drank to much. That happened to me often. Drinking too much and either doing something really fucking embarrassing or simply not remembering, or both.

I cannot tell you what clicked in my head that morning. I'm surprised anything could click over the pounding I had in my brain. But something did click. I vowed that I would quit smoking, drinking and eating poorly. All the things that I knew were my crutches. The things I leaned on when times were hard or when I was stressed. I knew that IF I could give them all up, at once, in some grand effort, that I could do ANYTHING. No more excuses, no more "tomorrow", or "after this big project at work". No excuses about upcoming vacations, holidays. No excuses anymore. 

Then, and only then, I knew that I would be able to stand on my own two feet. Crutches be damned.

Quitting cold turkey sucked. I mean, really sucked. I think the devil himself would have stayed the hell away from me for that first week. But I got through it. I didn't turn to food or booze either, which I would have done previously to weaken the blow. I couldn't. I quit them too. 

And the time I chose could not have been worse. I had just recently moved from Montana to Illinois, after my now ex-husband and I split up. I was working a full time job (about 45-60 hours a week), running a full time photography business, dealing with my dog who has cancer and a heart problem and my pending divorce. Did I mention it was review time at work? It was the worse part of the year...

So I started visiting websites for food and exercise ideas. See, I already tried every diet out there (sans the really dangerous/stupid ones like HGH *shudders*)

1 month later

I knew that the only way that i was going to get healthy was to eat better and exercise. And that's exactly what I did.  ------->


I didn't know how much it would change my life!






Within MONTHS I was down 50, 60 and it just kept going....

And wait there's more...

My skin (always terrible acne) started clearing, my hair grew, my nails were strong, I STOPPED tanning, I started to really feel amazing. My back stopped aching, my joints no longer hurt, I felt STRONG and happy. And best of all, my blood pressure returned to normal after years of extreme numbers (My doctor said that could NEVER happen without meds. Screw you Doc, you don't know it all)

And you know what I realized in that first 20 pounds that I lost? Do you know why I knew it was going to be different this time?

www.sexytransformations.com

Because I wasnt worried about losing weight. I just wanted to take care of myself. To Love myself. Whether my body is fat or not.  FAT is not a derogatory word. Its simply a word. I stopped fearing being fat. I stopped caring if other people thought i was beautiful, because, you know what? I AM. I even did a little impromptu boudoir shoot during my mid weight loss to celebrate my body.

 (I will post more photos and why YOU shouldnt wait for things you want to do based on your weight in another blog)

I started caring for it best I could. Then I realized that I never hated myself. I was just afraid to be me. I hid behind the food, the booze the smoking... And with all those things gone it forced me to do a lot of soul searching, and that's when I really found myself. Hiding in there. That little girl that loved life so much before. The one that didn't care what people said. didn't care if people thought she was fat. The kind little girl that didn't like for people to be mean to other people, who wanted to put herself out there but she had been stuck behind that wall of fear for so many years. The little girl that just like to do what she liked to do, thank you very much.

And she was ready to come out and play. 

This is just the beginning of my journey and my blog! If you'd like to know more, please visit on Fridays. I'll be posting about healthy lifestyle, my personal weight loss progress, photography, boudoir sessions and the clients, fashion and everyday life. I'll also be posting to do Q&A's so you can ask me all the questions you'd like!